The Accidental Death of My Cat: Nissa

At this point there isn't much to write anymore, I must have gone through my head many times (close to a hundred, a few times, every day, and more recently) the events leading to and the scathing memory of lifting the blue pail I put my beloved cat in and where she flopped dead. 

I of course, tried to revive her but it was too late... 

We were both going to move to Paris, and she was supposed to be picked up by the pet relocation team the next day, what a tragedy right? 

What I can't seem to understand is how my brain keeps replaying the small events that lead to her death, and if only one thing changed... for example the data of her pick up, the blue pail wasn't supposed to be there, the packers didn't forcibly asked me to remove her, or the previous argument with the unit agent. 

As if the universe has conspired for me to experience this loss... as if all these little movements of fate were set up and was leading to some big punch in the face... as if I'm not already overwhelmed... 

I think this is just me unable to accept yet, what I should try to focus is how to get out of this hole... 

The loss and the grief is just incredible, and it makes me with out any other words, very very sad. 

That's it for now. There are still things that I must do... hopefully they turn out what I expect of myself...