Dati, ang mga araw ko ay pwedeng basahin,
na parang masayang tula,
ligtas ako sa mapanganib na lungkot,
tila walang pangit na kamay ng baraha
ang tumatabla sa aking pagkatao.
Ngunit dumating ang alas ng kalaban,
Ang buhay mismo, at naging mapanganib
ang aking kapaligiran,
kahit sa tirik na tirik na araw.
at nagbabaga ang liwanag, ay dumadapo
na parang ligaw na mga aswang sa gunita,
ang mga kuko ng kalungkutan, pag aalala,
takot, at anino ng pagod
wagas nilang niyayapos ang aking
dating maliwanag na diwa at malakas na pulso
na tila nadudurog sa bigat ng aking sariling yapak,
at sa bawat ala ala ng mga nakakahinayang,
sa pinakamapanganib na gabi ng aking buhay,
nagbasa ng ibang tula, ang may ari
ng kalawakan, at ako'y ginapos
upang makipaglaban at sumugal sa buhay.
August got a bit crazy after a very very awesome weekend with Friends in Sentosa for the Color Run 2013 SG, and a weekend getaway at KL with Saint. August is also where the Chinese celebrate...the Hungry Ghost Month... Which is...
When I came back to the flat Tuesday probably with protozoans in my tummy because of all the mud obstacles, I decided to talk to the love of my life after not receiving any reply to my messages... The conversation was an eye opener. He said that "he would like me to be happy, with someone else" and that's the most painful thing to say in the world, after we've talked about how we can give each other another chance in 2 years, there was a sudden realization that I was talking to someone truly devoid of any feelings for me at all. The person I am deep as space in love with unfortunately doesn't feel the same way. And the idea is that this person is someone I don't want any more grew. He doesn't have it in him to treat me with respect or to be honest to me and to himself about his feelings, He's someone who cannot communicate. I know I have paid my dues already for treating him badly before and I think I deserve a little respect. We knew each other a long time before, and we were quite friends, what I don't understand is that somehow doesn't even count anymore.
I don't think his kind of treatment is what I deserve. It's a very painful fact, and I don't think he understands, he hasn't gone thru a of relationships, or any that I know of.
After 2 years of hoping and hanging on to the hope of eventually getting back together, of nursing a constant dream and eventuality, of settling down, I think I am finally ready to move on. Might sound cliche but this is the hardest thing ever because up until that conversation I was blind to the signs and was only seeing the threads of hope for a future of our relationship. How many times have we decided to be "friends" but he never really did anything to make that happen. Absolutely nothing. And now, I know what I deserve, someone who is honest and forthcoming.
I think the sad reality that I have to accept there is no possibility of getting back with him. Period. The future I know will take care of itself.
But it's finally time to move on. To have a better perspective and to find someone better. To move on from someone I love so dearly, but clearly isn't in the same book.
Fortunately I have friends.. really good friends, new friends who give hope of finding people that are more open.
And there are some friends who are not as supportive, but are honest, and honestly it's not about the looks, or who is better, its actually really about emotional connection.
While I was feeling bad about my personal / love life, work was also a roller coaster ride, but it ended with a job well done.
Now it's time to exploit my new found independence. It's time to be awesome, it's almost September after all and the ghosts of our past have moved on.