Time to kill

So I have time,

While waiting for you,

I have these words to spill,

From my mind's mind

And my inner inner self,

I have some thoughts to share,

Some load to bear,

A little anxiety

And insecurity,

A little hope and some

Youth to cope,

And a tiny fact

That remains largely true,

I will always be blue,

While waiting for you.

Transactional

It all starts from saying "Hi" or "Hey"
Which ever is more appealing.

Then ask for a face photo,
But remember to send yours first.

Then ask if a place is available,
Make sure it's not too far

Then just to make sure,
ask for another photo.

You will need the phone number too
In order for you to meet before

The transaction

Remember to bathe and gargle.

Saliva exchange is eminent.

Then exchange breaths and skins.

And desires. Remember not to get emotional.

Because it all ends in goodbyes.

So many thoughts this week

Almost 29. 

Thoughts on being 28. I have come here to this age, where my reality has not really settled  into my mind. There are many clouds still in my mind it seems, because of my current physical state. And the most frightening thing however, is realizing that I have not yet dreamed the person who I am to become. And it is not the limitations that I am currently facing that is taxing, but the fury of my soul, and the burning of my mind.

I have taken a look at my life again, and I know I must soon get out of this path. Towards this vision. Into fighting for the ideas that I believe in. Into the dreams I am now realizing. That a person will never truly achieve freedom from his humanity until he has been educated on what this exactly means. What does it mean to be human it is the exercise of consciously knowing oneself. 

Despite the restrain from the responsibilities that I carry, I will try to move towards attaining this goal of liberating my country first, from corruption. 

It is 2013, and it seems the people of the world have yet to be free. To have the freedom to choose what they believe in and that our sins are only true when we cast our dreams aside. 

I must turn towards writing more.

Discrimination.

My fears have been mounting and

've been a project manager fr

Love

It is only love when it is a conscious act. 

it is not,

without this certain human awareness 

to chose, love. 

Despite the pain and the unwillingness of the self. 

And it is in this daily struggle can 

we only exercise our freedom.

And the only men who can truly be free

our experience freedom

are those who can love. 

and the definition of this kind of love 

is only known to men who

has been educated enough

to know what it is not. 

Love doesn't 

discriminate

Perhaps the self is only willing when it has 

seen and overcame suffering. 

Lesser FB message

Anything we perceive as less
is so easily dismissed.

I feel pain
when this poetic friend
so easily discarded
me and never
replied to my FB message. 

While Swimming

All you know is a shadow
swimming in a pool 
where light is bent
and shattered
I am swimming in my dreams
and hopes
and with every breath 
I take I see the 
endless universe submerged
in a vision.

Summoned Happines

there are joys,
that stir in mind,
of those days
that are beyond

our youth.

Wide open
eyes are filled
with summer rays

that through the
soft rustling leaves
flooded the halls
into the in between of
unfinished
cemented walls,

those that we
so easily climbed
those that
seemed so high
painted into
the milky blue

and then there are
also those bright
rainy days bathed
with laughter
and growing bodies
drenched and shining
with rainbow colored
dreams,

From the candle wax
of my youth, sweet
and glittering
treasures
are so easily made.

All these I remember
now that my life is in
the quarter moon
and i am waxing onto
the fullness of a future
built with my childhood
dreams. 

Profess

I've always wanted to ask her

"Did you ever own a dildo?"

Benett

I've never seen such wit,
Nor felt intelligent candour,

Will I ever see again
Such a mans' man

As Benett.

Gone

Alex,

When was the last time you sang a song,
or thought of singing, without bothering the
imaginary cats in your mind.

When was the last time your mind
didn't have malice against me,
to what I said.

When was the last time
your ego did not have to break,
for every message you detest.

When was the last
time you picked yourself up,
even when couldn't
and you don't know you can't

Paulit ulit lang ng 2 taon

Sa totoo lang,

wala naman talagang nagbago pa,

hindi pa naman naitotodo pa.

Ang Pinakamagandang Kwento ng Pag ibig.

Hindi na maitataguyod ang pinaka magandang

kwento ng pagiibigan ng dalawang lalaki,

dahil nag pasiya nako na mag move on.

Dahil ikaw ay nagbitiw na ng pinakahihintay

kong mapag panulak na pangungusap:

"okay lang nama po sakin, kahita may iba ka na,

gusto ko happy ka"

parang ganon mo tinext. At parang ganun na rin natunaw, ang madikit, at makapit na pag mamahal ko.

5000 SJADED

...........................................

Cure for being Jaded.

After my thought confessions,
to a friend, and after listing
to a song entitled drops of jupiter,
it occured to me,

that I have turned into a disgustingly
green color
but colors you can judge,
and smells you can measure,

but you can never call a man scum,
nor his fault when he falls from
grace and fancies himself as invincible,

man is bound when he is ignorant,
and free only as he is bound by
his body,

So there is no cure, you will turn green
when life wills it for you,
but you will know, and when that time comes,
you will be the best jaded person

Abrupt

It's not necessary to be abrupt,

let's linger at each other for a few more moments,

we don't have to end it hurriedly,

Specially now that we are in our late twenties,

Our whole fleet of mid adulthood

has finally come to a stage

they call acceptance,

and I have accepted,

that you have been lagging behind,

and I am in front, so I will

walk slower, and you try to catch up,

Sugal, Tula, at Buhay

Dati, ang mga araw ko ay pwedeng basahin,
na parang masayang tula,

ligtas ako sa mapanganib na lungkot,
tila walang pangit na kamay ng baraha
ang tumatabla sa aking pagkatao.

Ngunit dumating ang alas ng kalaban,
Ang buhay mismo, at naging mapanganib
ang aking kapaligiran,

kahit sa tirik na tirik na araw.
at nagbabaga ang liwanag, ay dumadapo
na parang ligaw na mga aswang sa gunita,

ang mga kuko ng kalungkutan, pag aalala,
takot, at anino ng pagod
wagas nilang niyayapos ang aking
dating maliwanag na diwa at malakas na pulso
na tila nadudurog sa bigat ng aking sariling yapak,
at sa bawat ala ala ng mga nakakahinayang,

sa pinakamapanganib na gabi ng aking buhay,
nagbasa ng ibang tula, ang may ari
ng kalawakan, at ako'y ginapos
upang makipaglaban at sumugal sa buhay.

That Summer

There is an addicting taste,
She is the masterpiece
of my memory,
a honey combed summer,
under the curled blue,

of waves and an infinite
stretch of sky that reach
beyond my sight
into the universe of who I was,

And the Sun god's grandeur
fell brightly over the silent
witnesses,
that held us together,
Water, sky, and your ivory soft smile,

and this held me eternally,
for a moment, and in my lost being
I knew,
how to finally live,
And if I close my eyes now,
I can make it last, perfect, infinitely.

PS
and I know why it was enough.

Hungry Ghost Month

August got a bit crazy after a very very awesome weekend with Friends in Sentosa for the Color Run 2013 SG, and a weekend getaway at KL with Saint. August is also where the Chinese celebrate...the Hungry Ghost Month... Which is...

When I came back to the flat Tuesday probably with protozoans in my tummy because of all the mud obstacles, I decided to talk to the love of my life after not receiving any reply to my messages... The conversation was an eye opener. He said that "he would like me to be happy, with someone else" and that's the most painful thing to say in the world, after we've talked about how we can give each other another chance in 2 years, there was a sudden realization that I was talking to someone truly devoid of any feelings for me at all. The person I am deep as space in love with unfortunately doesn't feel the same way. And the idea is that this person is someone I don't want any more grew. He doesn't have it in him to treat me with respect or to be honest to me and to himself about his feelings, He's someone who cannot communicate. I know I have paid my dues already for treating him badly before and I think I deserve a little respect. We knew each other a long time before, and we were quite friends, what I don't understand is that somehow doesn't even count anymore.

I don't think his kind of treatment is what I deserve. It's a very painful fact, and I don't think he understands, he hasn't gone thru a of relationships, or any that I know of.

After 2 years of hoping and hanging on to the hope of eventually getting back together, of nursing a constant dream and eventuality, of settling down, I think I am finally ready to move on. Might sound cliche but this is the hardest thing ever because up until that conversation I was blind to the signs and was only seeing the threads of hope for a future of our relationship. How many times have we decided to be "friends" but he never really did anything to make that happen. Absolutely nothing. And now, I know what I deserve, someone who is honest and forthcoming.

I think the sad reality that I have to accept there is no possibility of getting back with him. Period. The future I know will take care of itself.

But it's finally time to move on. To have a better perspective and to find someone better. To move on from someone I love so dearly, but clearly isn't in the same book.

Fortunately I have friends.. really good friends, new friends who give hope of finding people that are more open.

And there are some friends who are not as supportive, but are honest, and honestly it's not about the looks, or who is better, its actually really about emotional connection.

While I was feeling bad about my personal / love life, work was also a roller coaster ride, but it ended with a job well done.

Now it's time to exploit my new found independence. It's time to be awesome, it's almost September after all and the ghosts of our past have moved on. 

Some Hearts

Some hearts lie steep over emotions

crawl beneath the shallowness of

pride.

Singapore & The Philippines

After my Aikido class (used weapons today), I went to the nearest hawker to my place to have brunch. I've only been in Singapore for a little over 2 months now and I must say this country has suddenly become very dear to me. It shines as a beacon of hope for the whole ASEAN. The people are generally very nice or they know how to be nice.

I really didn't notice but I was sitting beside an old couple, and I was clutching my bag while eating. I guess the old lady, probably around her 60s asked me why I didn't place my bag in the seat next to me. I said to her, because someone might sit on it... but after realizing that... there's no harm in doing I put my bag down.

So she asked me where I was from, and that started a discussion about Singapore and the Philippines with her and her husband.

It wasn't the first time I heard on how advanced the Philippines was back in the '60s and that the rest of the ASEAN nation was looking up to the country I call home. And it wasn't the first time I came across a Singaporean who had a Filipina for a maid either.

We discussed why the Philippines was so stagnant now.. why it fell behind and he said that we needed a stronger economy to change... my country men were nice, intelligent etc. I said I don't think the Philippines had it in their hearts the drive to move forward, we are quite content with the country, the old man Roland  said that that we might wake up one day, when it's all too late.

He said it was easy for Singapore to change, because they were so small... I thought to myself afterwards yes indeed the country is small, but this country is also so big in many ways.

In the end our conclusion was that there is stirring for change in the Philippines a small one..  but let's hope that small glimmer of hope pushes my country men forward.

Singapore is a wonderful gift to the ASEAN. Suddenly these two countries have become so dear to me.

Mwah (mwwahhhhh)

I gotta stop this but I don't know how. I can't deny myself the opportunity of feeling good.  Specially now that I'm alone it's harder. And you never gave me much to hang on to. Unfortunately I'm subject to feeling what my body telling me to feel... and it affects my psyche my mood... which I think in the long run becomes my personality.

I need more than a text message with a mwaaaah in it. I need you to ask me how I am. To ask how I was during the haze. I need a bit more to hang on to.

a flaw

Forming beliefs and passing judgement a human flaw.

Ideas like the idea "opposites" but big ideas have butts or ands

A little Jealous

just a little about curly. 

Three Some

It's a sandwich.

hazy. 

Fancy How you turned into a DB

a Douch bag.

Who would've thought you'd grow up to be who you are now, a scoundrel. 

When is a man undone and when genius is uncovered

Seems like ive been shoved into this path.
Hopefully it leads to uncovering my potential to change the world. Perhaps through writing of thought. But looking at other people lives many have been lead to their doom or into the doldrums of contentment.

What action must we take or can we take to refuse the shovers might and deny our fate in the event we foresee that at the end of the road we are being lead to our undoing.

But then how do we forsee? Perhaps that is finding our genius. Or studying the history of.people.

The Majority vs the Broader View

The collective mind set is the most dangerous thing for the minority. And as minority myself, the idea to defend myself or anyone else I can identify with seems to have taken it's roots in my subconscious.

A society will always have a majority and a minority. And the only defense against oppression or the mind setting of oppression is a broader view of things.

But there are many layers to an individual for example you can belong to the majority of male asian population. But you can be a minority if you are a foreigner. There seems to be a dominant mind set. That binds 1 layer of being a majority. 

Thoughts: End April - May

a hole starts to form and tears start to collect i am not goin to cry even if tis filled, and someday i will build a dam to this all the emotions I feel the will to..

because sometime if you tell the truth no one will believe you.
you sometimes admit to the accusation to help people who can't, understand.

my mind is bound to freedom while other in death

Afternoons lasts for about 3 hours, 

I love to stare at the sky blue, 

it is comforting. 

but somedays 

I can't wait till the stars come out, 

they say that waiting has its merit, 

thay say patience is a virtue, but 

my mind has wandering legs and 

it drags my heart along with it. 

My awakening tested. 

After the confession he made, 

I'm afraid, which is a very good thing. 

Life seems nearer to the way it was, 

I'm moving forward, I'm grateful that I am moving forward. 

I am, part of the know thyself series

I am young man of sense and worth in pursuit of truth freedom faith courage and hope for myself with hopes of influencing the rest of mankind. 

Tula 2: Nicole

Kay sarap mong isipin

Oh Kay sarap tuwing dumadapo
Ang iyong makulay na imahe 

Sa aking kamalayan

Kay tamis ng pag asa na 

iyong binigay sa silong ng hapon

ang OO kahit sa hinaharap pa ay ngayon

nakakapawi ng pagod at poot

Sa gabi bago matulog 

pinalkas mo ang pananalig ko 

sa buhay

O kay sarap mong isipin

Nicole

Poem 129: Snake Like

Snake Like

You're snake like manner and appearance is caught in the middle of nothing.

You are caught in the middle.

I see that you are ssnake-like. 

*this could be a nice poem graph with a giant S. 

Tula 1: Ikot

Dise otso ata ako noon,

Bente otso ako ngayon, mga ilang beses lang ako nakasakay sa ikot na jeep sa UP

papunta ako sa Math building magpapatutor, yun ata pakay ko noon,

maraming beses na rin ako nag ikot na jeep kaya di ko na gaano maalala.

Pero naalala ko duwag pa ako noon, kaya nung nginingitan mo ako, mejo intense.

at binalewala ko lang.

Pero isang alaala iyon di ko malilimutan.

Sayang di tayo nagkakilala. Baka naalala mo pa? text mo ako.

Random: How to make someone fall in love digitally in 10 days

Day 1. Believe that you can and introduce yourself via FB friend request
Day 2. Write a declaration of your love. Post it in your notes section or blog it.
Day 3. Ask her out via e-mail or Skype chat.
Day 4. Instagram your first date.
Day 5. Check in to all the places he/she likes. Try to check in together.
Day 6. Create a pinterest board for everything he/she likes.
Day 7. Tweet him/her on his/her birthday for all the word to see. Ask your friends to tweet too.
Day 8. Send him/her a Youtube link of your favorite music video.
Day 9. Send him/her gifts via e-bay.
Day 10. Make an app of love in the Android or Apple store. Hope he or she downloads it.

Poem 127: B's Static Boob

B's Static Boob

I was inspired

to conspire

with you a formal 

desire

To win a pitch

to fulfill an 

itch

and as my elbow

touched your right

or left boob,

static struck
it was funny,

twas awesome. 

Song 2: Fringe

Fringe


Sa dulo ng ating dila
may mga tala

Sa iyong kamay
may tiwala, may naisip
na maganda,

Sumakay tayo sa dalang alon
ng kanilang tuwa

Tayo lang
ang nalalakad sa
kalyeng
bihira ang may alam

Sa gilid, sa tabi
tayo ay magsasalita

bubukasan ang daan
patungo sa kapayapaan.

Sa gilid sa tabi,
tayo ay magsasalita

maririning, titinding
mabubuhay ng tama.

Sa gilid sa tabi,
ng kalye,
may mga kasama,
magbubukas ng daan
patungo sa kapayapaan.

Song 1: Heart's Gone

Heart's gone


I'm walking to
new places while
waiting for you
to come around

who knows when
the sheets will
fold between
us again

for another time
will be waiting
for your skin
on mine

But my heart's gone
My Heart's so beautiful
but She's gone.
to a fool.

She was never handed over.
Promises were done
Question answered
and hope was made but
I never recovered.

But my heart's gone

My Heart's so beautiful
but She's gone.
to a fool.

Letter # 5

Dear B.D.,

How can you know a greater love when you've never suffered a broken heart? 

Letter 1: To Pat "My 2013"

Dear Patrick,

You recently asked my how I am, well for your candid information, I wouldn't want to be in any place right now except maybe healthier and richer. :) I am in fact quite content about life at this very moment. But there are bad moments too, and it could be better and I am moving towards that better place, or the way it was before....

You know, all I need is an awesome good year, just one MOFO amazing year!. To recover from 2012 and the financial blow it dealt and to rid me of all the health issues I've been facing, good thing that none of which are life threatening.

Anyway actually all my "eggs are in this one basket of a year" - 2013. After turning down and being turned down on several applications last year and early this year, a roller coaster ride of emotions. I am finally at the cusp of leaping forward 10 steps in my career and my financial status along with it.

Hopefully, and I pray, that it materializes because God knows I need this.

On other matters, suddenly there now dreams of going to Europe when there were none, there are also these dreams of still getting back with CN. I get this every two weeks or once a week and I don't mind. Even if I think there's an opportunity for romance. Someone is unknowingly tugging at my heart or at least the place where my heart used to be.
 
Anyway "summer" is almost around and I've yet to lose the weight, and submit the poetry collection to Palanca, that goal setting exercise we had at the agency was a sudden reminder.

Maybe you should submit your proses or something.

See you soon after a year or something,

J

Poem 126: Tapos

May nag uusap lang sa tabi,
tungkol sa volley ball.

Yung hilig mo panoorin.

Tapos naalala kita.

Poem 127: A guy like Neal

Where to find a guy like Neal?

DOTA 2

I've never played DOTA 1. 

Prose 1: Thoughts on Us

I still feel a bit sad whenever I think about us, how far we are from each other even though you are just 10 minutes away. And If I can't write about it or this is just one of the few times I am writing about us, it's a good thing I have people to talk to about it. To express and vent about it.I don't understand why you the love of my life and me supposedly the love of yours can't even do this much...be friends. Are you so far in accepting yourself? or is it me?

I can't grasp what is going on in your life that you can easily so discard me. Was I too cruel? will you never talk to me again? I need to understand, but if we never talk about it. I'm afraid I will harbor this resentment of you and it will grow as time goes by. If you never agree to this, this taste of bitterness will get stronger.

Sometimes the hardest thing is to hope for love, and this hope has almost completely faded and it is at its hardest.

Truly you must believe, I can love you with only the hope for friendship.  

Quotation 1: Luck

Luck favors the prepared.

-Anonymous.

125: To someday

some day my brain will collide with yours

White as snow, we'll mix in my palm.

124: To a moment's peace

For you who can enjoy a moments peace

a moment's escape from the grasp of drowning city sea and air

the afternoon sun to quickly fleeing into the night cold, and the unaffectionate response
of a beloved

the mess of the fruit mesh over your finger
tips, the true dragon fruit, the king of fruits, whose
eggs are murdered and drench the throat with luxury

for you who live lives without a moments
peace

for those who succumb to the mercy of your
fears

let us take a deep breath and enjoy the moments peace


-inspired by R's photo of a Korean pavillion.

123: Impressions of me

none can capture

those.

122: hanging on to nothing

Can you hang on to nothing?

or a greeting

a train of tought,

a belief.

there must be something to hang on to.

otherwise we are just falling.

120: To flowers

Only after death, may the flowers begin to bloom again,

May the flowers of love bloom in January,

In a new year's dawn, where the hopes for caresses,

and kisses are renewed, to which the moments no longer

belong to the dried days and fallen memories of the lost love,

but to the new that's set to spring out of hope.

This moment I found, belongs to me and the flowers that bloom.



- while doing the layout for pinagbenga

119: To B and C

I've lost some of the poems I wrote.

During our Poetry Tuesdays.

Do you have a copy?

I need them for Palanca....

LOL

118: # 3 / International Poetry Month

The creative cat, came out of now where

Behind my dogged brain, 

I wrote this. 

117: For G

In Loving Memory of Tayuman, 

The honyed fragance of the mouth wash

you used right before

you kissed me 8 years ago wafted

over my aroused concsiousness, along with the following images, 

The bag of Migdonald's double cheese burger w/o ketchup, 

LRT, Taft, abad santos, and Natividad st. was it?

And again I ask. 

The questions that we usually ask ourselves.

Whenever we find ourselves alone.   

Contemptous Son of a Bitch

Drafted 2010

I just thought it sounded good.

I'm not really pertaining to anyone but I really just felt like saying it well maybe to someone from work. It maybe impolite to curse someone specially someone way older but hey rock and roll right?

Somehow I found something about myself, aside from being a slut for about 3 years, that I've been trying too many things that I don't end up finishing what I started or promised to do. I have pending paintings etc.

116: Let us meet again - For N

Let us meet again my love,
Like we've never met before.
Some place outside the gates
or beyond the curb of the road
where you used to pick me up.

Let us meet again my love,
beside each other, without this longing
On the seats of your car, my bed,
or the movie house
where we used to hold hands.

Let us meet again my love,
so you can see me today,
hopefully I am without whatever
it was that made you leave.

Let us meet again,
for the first time after a long while,
so that we may continue on a different road,
without whatever it was
that made me leave.

115: Bagong taon - Para kay N

Napaka-laki nitong nararamdaman ko ngayon.
Matapos mo nanaman i-reschedule indefinitely ang ating pag kikita.
Nakaktakot at Nakakabaliw.
marami akong nais sabihin sa iyo ngayon,
tanungin, ngunit hindi ko pa magawa,
dahil hindi ako handa.

Saka nalang. Pero pinalalaki ko ba?
Ako lang ba ang hindi mo nais makita?
Eh baket ka nag sosorry? Malabo ba? kaya hindi ko makita?

Sa kabilang banda, kilala ko ang aking sarili,
Hindi lilipas ito ng kusa,
Kailangan ko yata ng iba, or ikaw
para tapusin ang malaking kahibangan na ito.


Kailangan bigyan ng mas mainit na liwanag,
ang aking katauhang ngayo'y tila paralisado at
nag uumapoy sa
pagdusa, sa pangungulila, sa pagkalito,
kung pag ibig pa nga ba itong nagliliyab.

Kitang kitang malayo ako sa dalampasigan
ng isipan mo. Nasa laot tila ng ibang mundo.

Kailangan ko ng tapusin ito.  

114: Para saakin at saiyo din, para sa atin.

Tila malapit na
matuklasan kung bakit
mabigat ang aking
kaliwang ma ta

Tila malapit na
akong makakababa
mula sa bundok ng
aking kalbaryo

tila matatapos na
ang paglakbay ko sa
kakaibang lugar ng
aking buhay
ngayong ika sampung taon
ng aking pagbaba.

113: PARA KAY BUNDOK APO

Pagbaba ng pababa,

sumakit ang hita,

hiningal,

naging matalas ang isipan, sa hirap

ng pag akyat pababa,

tila naalog nito ang

lahat ng masamang nararamdaman,

nahulog at tila kinuha ng mga bato at ugat.

ng hinangin, o nasinagan ng araw.

Naliwanagan, sa bundok,

at may kakaibang lakas na ipinahiram.

Salamat.

- sa muli kong pagakyat, para magpasalamat sa mga hiling na ipatutupad, magpasalamat sa diyos at magbayad sa pamilya.

112: October 2012

October 2012

Pera, Pera, at Pera.

Putang ina Pera.

111: November 2012

November 2012

PP. El nido.

Tanduay Light (Rhum), Paradise, Close encounters.

Don't hold back.

She knows it already. Jheng does.

Fucking paradise. Beautiful beach.

Hidden lagoon, secret lagoon, mixed signals.

French fries. ABC.

Rooftop.

Magic.

Dolce Vita.

110: December 2012

December 2012

Parties and families.

Kaya.

Tahong Talong, Friendship,

Mt. Apo: Kung di ka napagod, di masaya.

High cut hiking shoes in lieu of "paltos". Spider sex (gagambang nagkakantutan).

Crossed the marble river 6 times. But there's no evidence that I did.

Iron and Sulfur. Comval. Combal. Kidapawan.

Anger, death, love and hope.

The town of Agco.

Di pa ako nagkaroon ng delayed flight sa CEBU PAC.

Empi (brandy). Jess Robredo. Si Kublay.

The Philippines is fucking Amazing.

I sang "You're still the one" sa karaoke over the beach sa isang bar (SEA BALS) sa bayan ng Sta Cruz.

Kiligin ka naman. Grant my wish.

107: 5000 PX

5000,

probably the number of pixels
in your

text message

which created a sweet smile

on this Christmas cold face,

of mine.

108: LA VIE PINOY

LA VIE PINOY


Paray kay Manny, Charice at Ramon Bautista,
Tanduay rhum 5 years, rubadabango, Voltes 5
Vice Ganda, TNL, Ang mahiwagang back pack ni TED FAILON, Ang course ni Nicolihyala, si papa jack pag alas diyes.

Mabuhay.

Eraser Heads and Beauty Queens, Miriam, Charlene, Shamsey, Jenine, Venus, Ely, Raymond, Team Manila,
Ondoy, Habagat, Hanging habagat.
Fishball, Kikiam, Tex at Ice candy,

Mabuhay.

Globe, Tanduay Ice, SML, Pancit, palitaw,
Text text tayo, bababa ba? baba.
Sinturon ni Judas, Divisoria. Mel Tiangco. Kris aquino. Eat Bulaga. Will time big time.

Mabuhay.

Malate, MRT, It's morefun in the PHilippines!
RH, GMA, CAMANAVA, BORA, DOLPHY and Comedy Dauphine Poki.

Mabuhay.

BENCAB, lovebus, MGE,TRAFFIC. TRAFFIC.Bisaya, NPA, Bekinese.

Mabuhay.

106: Sa isipan lamang

Pag naiisip kita.

Kapag pinagiisipan kita.

Naiintindihan ko ang salitang pag-ibig.

At tumatapang ako at naduduwag ng sabay,

Tumatapang dahil sa inaasahang malaking possibiledad

na pagbabalik ng  pag ibig,

naduduwag sa takot, kapag na-iisip ko na ang

hindi dapat isipin. Na maaring wala na. Maari

mong sabihin sa akin, na wala na talaga. At lubha itong nakakatunaw ng

ano mang lakas ng katawan na ibinigay sa akin ng Diyos.


Kapag nakakausap ka dahil nag pumilit ang

alcohol sa utak na tawagan ka.

Lumulusot sa tenga ko ang hibla ng isang hibla ng saya

dulot ng mga binulong ng iyong nakangiting boses.

Nagugunaw ang mundo ko sa bawat matamis

na bisig ng iyong pagsasalita at

sabay na binubuong muli, ng isipan, na may

inakalang, oo pwede pa, parang may piraso ka

pa at natitirang damdamin ng pag-aalala.


Sa pakuwari ko ang kaunting pagka-inis

at mga himulmol ng takot sa

pagtatanong mo kung ako ay may iba na ay senyas ng

kapirasong damdamin.

At iyon lang naman ang kailangan ng imahinasyon ko.

Ang mga pirasong imahinasyon ng damdaming ito, ay pinalalaki, at

ginagamit upang mabuo muli ang pagasa at akoy

tumapang.


Mahigit na sa isang taon kitang hindi nakikita,

mahigit sa isang taon na nung sinabi mo naupos na ang iyong mga damdamin,

at mahigit na rin sa isang taon na tinapos ko na ang ating relasyon ngunit

hindi magawang lubusang putulin ang ating ugnayan.



At naunawaan ko ang lahat, sa aking sarili.



Walang pagmamakaawa at pagdadalwang isip kong pinagdesisyonan na kinailangan natin iyon.

Parang naubos ang maalat mong luha, humikbi, at humikbi, pagkatapos ay ako naman.

Hindi marami, tila ang mga luha ay nauubos lamang kasabay ng damdamin.

Nagbuntong hininga ako at lumipas ang mahigit sa isa at kalahating taon.

Ngunit sa tingin ko bakas na bakas

pa rin sa aking kaluluwa/mukha ang pag ibig,

parang wala nagawa ang oras, ang isang taon.


Hindi man lang lumabnaw ang mga nararamdaman at parang lumapot pa nga.

Umaagos sa mga pulso . Dumadaloy sa isipan ang imahe ng iyong pagkatao.

Hinahamak ako, ng paniniwala.


Parang kinukutya. Isa pang taon siguro, maaring lokohin ko pa na parang baliw ang sarili

 ng isa pang taon. Hindi raw pag ibig pag hindi ganito.

Ipagdarasal ko, na sana ikaw naman ang tumapang ng saglit, at sana marinig

mo talaga mula saakin minsan matapos kitang kausapin habang lasing

sa hindi pagtangapp nga katotohanan,

ang kailangan mo naman sabihin.

105: Internet

Sa sandaling naputol ka.

o internet.

nainis ako at napatingin sa cable.

ginalaw galaw ko ito at natuwa.

Dahil connected na akong muli.

104: Mock vows (if ever I was to get married)

Because,this is who I am.

Someone who loves.

Like everyone one else who loves.

I love you, because this is who I am.

Without a doubt.

Someone who loves you.

103: Selfless

the things that we do
to protect ourselves
protect our gains


the joy that we share
doesn't cost much
as the things that we keep
to tell ourselves


that we are noble
and that we are great


but there's none so
far who can see and give
time and touch and
a true selfless love
not even you
not even me

102: The night is not dark

Once along a shore,

Men and women sat,

on a rooftop made of gold.

One traces with his eyes

the silver outline of the limestone

island cliff across the bay,

The others stare into

the endless magnificence of the sea,

and the moon not quite full, appeared to sing

and its memory, the moonlit glittering town,

the breeze and the booze(rum) are one

the stars and the beautiful eyes are one

the people and the islands are one.

101: Insane (song)

I've been insane
for quite sometime

a couple of years
too many bottles of wine

too many wishes for
you to think
about me sometime.

99: I long for you

I long for Snow and sunshine,
The sea, shared between us
Like a cup of honest tea

I long for the caresses of you hands
Like summer nectar in the afternoon

I long for the certainty of something that has been, and the certainty that it should happen again

The lips of your skin. The depth of your hair.

I long for it and you my love

98: Bitter Sweet

Why were they beautiful in my eyes, a mix of mustard October hues?

So beautiful those painted leaves that gently fello'er me, on a sea of green and pavement grey

sailing like paper boats

As if blown by your kisses

97: Read the books

My room is a jungle, of unread books.

unfinished sketches, and photos of your smiles.

In the corner there is a fountain, where, instead of pristine water,

wild flowers still sky rocket.

There is a fantasy playground, where dreamers play

with flying horses, and create faux memories

of holding hands and subtle pecks at the cheeks.

In my room Tori Amos is singing violently, whimsically.

She shows me white horses and how to ride those

in the beach instead.

Clean up your room she said. Read the books.

Thanks Patty for the words: Jungle, Playground, Flowers, Whimsical, and Skyrocket

96: I don't tell

Anir

Broken hearts and night lights don't mix well.

Validation and control are absurd concepts.

Expectations of other people are poisonous.

Unsolicited advice is disgusting.

Only fools think they can live other peoples lives better,

Because I hate it when people tell me how to live my life,

Because I don't tell them how to live theirs.

This week the golden rule is broken. I hate you for it.

95:For Cecile

You're a sight to see.

Not a phantom, but a grail.

Real and harmonic.

You vibrate with joy.

And your eyes are filled with it.

You're a sight to see.

Like a star when I look up to the sky,

just before I sleep.

94: The BS song

A BS SONG FOR YOU

I was planning on moving on,

but then i got drunk...

after the break up...

you said you're the kind of person who

really truly deeply loved me ooh

I really thought it was

b b bitter sweet,

and I thought maybe

I could hang on.

Until I got so drunk, again,

and asked you out

but you said you were busy

and bitter sweat became

bi bi bitter..butter shweat

I realized that, with beer ofcourse

unlike everyone else

who used this line

"I hope we can be friends and you'll

always be a part of my life"

you had more BS in you,

because you had the nerve to say it,

and nothing else.

Until I got so drunk, again,

and asked you out

but you said you were busy

and bitter sweat became

bi bi bitter..butter shweat

Now, I think what you said was just all BS, just bull shit.

This boy

This boy

This boy believes in the possibility

that at any given time any human being

can fall inlove with another human being

don't matter if they have 5 eyes,

or a broken set of wings,

or tattered jeans that looks so baduy

This boy believes that

he is inlove with you

another being, which happens

to be a boy

This boy currently believes unlike

some of his friends that

you are "the one" that he would like

to spend a lot of sunshiny and rainy days

in the fields or under the sheets with

This boy will patiently

and earnestly wait for the day

untill he can hold your, his ex-boyfriend's, hand again.

Because this boy is so inlove, and everythying else

is but an unimportant fragment of his world.

Non-Practicing Friends

Non-Practicing Friends

Technically,

I was supposed to write about us being,

but sometimes my comprehension goes out

and everything else follows,

suddenly everything else seems to just happen in my mind

while unreading stuff...and contemplating on the weight of my left eye...

While everthing else is happening and going haywire,

you do not even spend a tiny amount of your oh so precious time

most of the time spent in agonizing about what, you never told me

so my assumption is you spend most of your time thinking about nothing,

...

Technically no one can ever really know what goes on

in each of our minds, but for the love of, say what you mean,

or at leaset don't lead me to expect...

so that at least I know that I haven't had a realationship with

a zombie for the past 2 years.

Perfect Match

A few years back my cousin had a kidney failure. In fact both her kidneys failed. Serendipitously, our other cousin is a kidney surgeon. At the PGH nonetheless.

She underwent a life changing experience. A kidney transplant! nothing compared with what I w

ent through when I had kidney stones and had an ESWL(Extracorporeal shock wave lithotripsy). Anyhow, I always thought she would be in dialysis for life, but lo and behold, she's right here living with us with out having to go to a dialysis center every so often.

Caio, my cousin is a nurse and she found her perfect match! The kidney that was transplanted to her is now around 2 years old and isn't rejected by her body. So she doesn't have to undergo dialysis anymore. She only has to take some meds, take care of her diet and that's it!

My cousin is living with us because she is taking care of my dad. My dad just had a stroke which paralyzed half of his body. Just a random realization I never knew I loved my dad so much as if all the resentment evaporated.

Anyway life is good to all of us. Thank and praise God! my mom would say.

Currently, my granduncle Conr

ad is staying at our home too! He's the best Granduncle ever! not 'coz he's the only one I know. But I think he's funny and inspirational. He's around 80 years old, but he's as sharp as knife and very funny! He was a nuclear engineer back in the day, saw his pictures and the lot. There was a bomber he armed, "de-classified" now. I forgot to ask what's the name of the bomber. But here's a supercool photo:

The stuff my dreams are made of, I am now rebuilding. Even if my eye isn't moving as fast as it should. Wow this is around 7 paragraphs long! I'm rehabilitated much! I've also now decided that I'm refusing to "grow up" I will remain a child whose dreams are strong and intact. I will write, draw, paint, design, work for the environment and the poor and help heal the world! :)

I wrote

I wrote a few weeks ago that they would probably never change. Now I've forgotten who I was supposed to write about. I really should give myself a few minutes every time I get this urge to write. :)

I thought

Investigate all you want. Its free.

This piece was postponed because I didn't know what else to write.

Note to self: Always call the place first to check if the person or thing you want to see is actually there.

Letter of Resignation

This letter wasn't published because it was written out of anger. It was postponed. Now the anger has passed and so has the reason to publish it. :)

Who will pray for us now?

My Dad just had a stroke. I don't know the details yet but there it is... hypertension because of unhealthy lifestyle.

How coincidental that I'm assigned to do a website about highblood for work....

Crap. I knew this would come but not today. Bad events and good ones happens when we least expect it.

I just realized this blog is as confused as I am.

1,500 PHP and a few questions

Naubos ko yung 1,500 pesos last Saturday. Ambilis!

Stability and Security? How much do you think they cost?

Do you think as we grow old we become less inspired?

I sometimes find myself tapping my feet to the tune of an unknown beat of a song...

This blog means I'll be able to pour out my thoughts in hopes of organizing and getting rid of the not so good stuff. Also hopefully it could help me become more at peace...

I feel that writing gives me peace and joy. I like writing.

Beggars for Conversations

Today the topics in mind were: raising kids, if Lilli was pregnant, and it was about finding my passion in life.

The words that floated right on top of my head today were the following:

I've watched them for too long. These people they are fearless. These people were driven by an itching inexplainable force. Artists and writers, healers and mages, musicians all over the country gathered before me. I've admired them. Specially the gay men who are the most fearless, noblest and the most tolerant of things, of the differences. The differences that caused life to be beautiful, ugly and merciless.

I admired them for they were passionate. In singing, in their tattoos. I on the other hand remain at peace as I write about them. My emotions gushed out of my heart and I realized it was writing that I was passionate about. ...

That was a solid good two paragraphs.

Walls Are Begging For Paintings

It is just a matter of starting and discipline.

Discipline.

And these walls are begging for a painting. :)

Why should I care? Why should I keep caring?

They don't seem to.

Spilled Rum

Last night I spilled Rum over C's friend. I don't know but maybe somethings really wrong with how I focus my eyes, I miscalculated the depth of the table.

Hey you know what I think I've just been isolated. Booo!

Detach.

I don't know I'm feeling restless and emotional and I need to write. Nobody wants to be left behind, isolated or rejected.

I don't know what to do with my life. Maybe I need to get away for a while and get a fresh perspective about my life.

C's Birthday

Dear J,

You should learn how to play the drums.

J
_____________________________

Dear E and C,

Thank you for being great friends!

Mars,

Please take up yoga.
____________________________________

There were many rockstars tonight. It was a pleasant evening.

I was trying to be articulate tonight. In my head I still am.

I also passed by DLSU although despite the fact that I missed the play the trip didn't end up in total vain.

Life will give you meaning, get a life.

There were many assholes on the road tonight.

I had fun being by myself driving around the metro....

Another Lost Digital Pitch

This time it really hurt because I know I really gave a lot into this project. I would really like to know what went wrong and why we were not chosen.

The Urge

Mainly in my life there are few things that i am urged to do,

1. the urge to write

2. the urge to draw

3. to help society

4. the urge to have sex hehehe

and lastly the urge to find out what the hell am I really going to do?

I'm not stuck in the med school frame of mind anymore, but I'm neither motivated to dive into the creative world.

Stuck in the Past

Thesis for today is: DRINK BEER TO DROWN ALL MY PROBLEMS EVEN IF THEY CAN SWIM!

BUT I HAVE STONES SO UNLESS I WANT TO HAVE MORE PROBLEMS... I CAN'T DRINK!

FUCK LIFE IT SEEMS I ALWAYS GET STUCK IN A DEADLOCK.

I HAVE TO GO TO THE DENTIST

MY SINUS DOCTOR

GET AN ULTRA SOUND

PAY MY PHONE BILL and GET A FUCKING PC!


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKK!


AND OH YEAH FUCK ALL THE CONSERVATIVE PEOPLE WHO HAVE A HARD TIME UNDERSTANDING SELF EXPRESSION OVER THE FUCKING SOCIAL MEDIA!

This Unread Blog

God, no one probably ever really reads this blog of mine?

Shucks.

I guess there's little humor, not any substantial information, this is just actually a virtual diary? Open to the public.

The entertainment value of this blog I guess is close to nill.

I should really go to the dentist.

Further in the night

He said we are in the cusp of the new age in advertising.

The urge usually comes at night to pick up a pen and write.

I guess my prayers before the dark ages in my life worked.

My guess is queer gives the norm an excuse?

I see myself shattered compared to my peers... but finally my life is unfolding and I think that the art of writing is most appealing as a career.

I am rediscovering my senses, therefore life's forgotten simple pleasures seem to resurface. A scrumptious plate of ground meat, peas and bananas just before midnight made me feel really good.

Again I'm thankful of the love and the people around me.

Problem Solving Tuesdays

Okay a couple of things in this fine fine night. I'm officially a fan of DWRT!

My gums hurt after flossing too much.

We really need to buy a new computer and I need to consolidate all my files already!

My life seems to be on a halt because of the renovation.

Stuff at work...I'm feeling very very competitive...but I only should really beat myself.

I just remembered a dear friend, really truly deeply hope that God takes care of her bring her back her gait and confidence in herself.

I hope Nico gets well soon.

Just wanted to say wearing short extremely short socks only means your'e not very traditional in your thinking! - this is really addressed to Robert!

God Java Scripting is very challenging!

Timeline check this July I should be able to visit my dentist and my sinus doctor. Miracle workers!

:D

That's it!

Happy Anniversary

Before anything else I'd like to express the fact that I am in fact, without a doubt having a grand time in my life! I absolutely cannot ask for anything more...

Thank you friends and best friends for making it possible! And of course most especially to Nico..I shall not elaborate on the celebration today! :D

Then a few things...

Dear Girls,

If you really really want to get laid... you could just ask you know maybe we can come up with some sort of agreement hehehe. :)

-PIMP/WHORE extraordinaire

Dear Distillery,

It was a freaking wild fun night! I totally passed out in my former boss's kitchen and I had the weirdest alien mutant dream the next day too!

-SEMI-FOOTBALL FAN

Dear ATI Radeon,

You are a piece of garbage!

-NVIDIA CULB

Well I guess that's enough for tonight. The internet connection here at the Coupe is CRAPPY! >:D GOOD NIGHT! FEARLESS!!!!!!!!

Attempt to write # 356

I'm left alone in the office.

Listening to arctic monkeys tracks, fantastic album! :)

I dunno what to write about really except that I think I'm torn between doing as much as I can tonight or going home early so I can come in early for work?

I hope mother will let me use the car tomorrow.

Anticipation

I'm in all anticipation, of our new computer.

The newly renovated house.

Better health.

A new office mate.

I am in all anticipation.

To have a few words with a friend. It has been such a long time.

-Web Demon

Writing

I am indulging myself already.

This will be my 3rd post for the night.

I am still confused about this blog and about many other things... maybe a part of me revels in the confusion, and a part of me is disgusted.

Fine let this be a personal blog! Without fear! With adoration for the truth! and passion for ideals that liberate us from suffering.

Look here, I created this blog in 2004, it really hasn't grown to anything...How unfortunate.

How long can I last here at Big Kat's Coffee shop?

"you move your mouse to the right most area of your task bar, hove over the battery icon and discover that you still have more than 2 hours worth of battery life. You are amazed at the incredibility of your discover."

-Web Demon

Painters

Dear Van Gay,

Life I think would be an absolute drab without Artists. Nakakaloka siguro yon.

- Pica Pica so?

Pica Pica So,

You must be re-affirming your existence? or perhaps your'e attempting to justify your current career path in that agency... You must be totally stressed out at work!

Music is so beautiful as well. Don't you think so? Whatever should we listen to without music? Let us not have ears then!

I have this random thought, I must say people who know how to appreciate friendship are just as beautiful. I think you have many such friends in your belt.

I attached a self-painting of Van Gogh. You should try something like this again, revert from your cubist ways!

-Vincent "disconnected" Van Gay

____________________________________________________________________

I so love the impressionists...

renoir and monet, plus this local painter Juan Luna....i'm not sure if he could be classified as an impressionist, whatever his style is, its still a great painting! Oh what adventure it would be to find an artist in our midst. Life is supposed to be an adventure? I have a hole in my heart, a thirst for adventure....

Everdearest Sir Rantings,

I think that you know the meaning of "understanding" very well, and shutting up will not accomplish anything. Your knowledge of understanding will just waste away. You should write more often. After all writing your thoughts down will at least allow fate to have a possibility, or increase the chances of other people to gain knowledge and consequently understanding of truths regarding sexuality, creativity, and life.

I think that you know much about understanding, after all you have endured so much, so I implore you to not keep quite, because there is a malady ( i must confess that i heard someone use this word the other day), but there is such a disease in the hearts of many. I could describe it simply as the "choice to remain un-enlightened" if there is such a thing. Your sister for one seems to choose to not understand... err certain things I cannot discuss yet. As well as your brother in my point of view chooses to remain in a cycle of depression.

Also, I think that some of your friends are pompous arrogant individuals, well sometimes at least. They claim they are such people, they seem so confident of themselves, they are able to label other people call them names, perhaps, its an art that they learned early on... they lack the ability to accept mistakes. They feed their ego.

How is it that they cannot see? How come they can be so sure of life, and you are so uncertain.

You are always uncertain or doubtful of things but somehow, ironically, in that state you also feel the taint of arrogance.

Perhaps someday they will be enlightened, I can only pray, you must remain vigilant else, it will devour you.

Somehow you find yourself repeating yourself already.

I believe Sir Rantings, I've written down quite a number of inane thoughts already, I should consider moving on.

Always,

A Customer at Big Kat's Coffee Shop

P.S. The Banana Bread is delectable. :)

DTI REP

Dear dumb or corrupt Pinoy DTI Rep,

Fuck you!

- angry disapproved promo

Dis

Dear RJ,

I was just thinking, I really hate the thought of being a disappointment. I hope Nico's right when he said, that things come to me because of how I do my work and not because of....errr... I hope that's true, I hope I can be really great at something one day.

-My Thoughts and Emotions

Tuesday Papuntang Office

Dear Manong Driver,

Ambaho ng fx mo, linisin mo naman nakakastress eh.


-Pasajerong Badtrip na!

June 4

Dear God,

That night was piss fun!

Thanks!

-Web Demon